Ask a (S)expert: “Is It Ever Ok to Date Your Friend’s Ex?”

Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae's first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.

Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡

"Am I a bad person for thinking about dating my friend's ex?"

Hey bae! Dating your friend's ex is a recipe for disaster and most importantly, against the rules of girl code. But, before we dive in it's important to acknowledge why girl code exists.

Girl code is a set of rules we've created as women to protect ourselves from the patriarchy. For example, never leaving your friends at a club by themselves or warning a woman if she's dating a creep. These are acts of solidarity with grave consequences if not followed.

Dating your friend's ex is no different. I say this with the toughest of love: you're probably only thinking of yourself, so dating this person doesn't seem like a "big deal." In reality, this action comes with several consequences but the biggest being, that this person will never respect you or trust you, because they've witnessed you disrespecting a member of your community.

Dating and allowing yourself to fall in love is a very intimate journey. Breakups, on the other hand, can be very painful and life-changing experiences. The decision you're grappling with has the potential to hurt your friend emotionally.

This can backfire in other ways, too. For example, they may not be over their relationship with your friend. If so, you run the risk of becoming the side piece to what you perceive to be your own relationship. Alternatively, you and this ex may have internalized biases stemming from their past relationship. Case in point, your friend may have confided in their ex-partner about you in the past creating a perceived notion on who you are and thus, treating you accordingly.

So, if you're thinking about it -- just don't. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule so if you believe you are it... run it by your friend and see what she thinks.

Best of luck, bae!

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