Ask a (S)expert: “Tips on Losing Your Virginity as an Adult?”

Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae's first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.

Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡

"Hey, I wanted to ask what are your must-know tips on losing your virginity as an adult?"

"Hello. I'm a 28-year-old female heterosexual virgin who has never had an official boyfriend. This year, I tried online dating for the first time and I am starting to see someone new. How do I overcome my body insecurities and my insecurities over sex and my virginity? I feel that I'm the only girl in my friend circle who is still a virgin and it's pressuring me to lose it sometime soon. Thank you."

Hey bae's! If movies like Easy A and American Pie taught us anything about "losing your virginity," it's that it's bound to be awkward. Like doing anything for the first time there's a learning curve and it doesn't help that society has hyped up virginity when it's literally just a social construct that causes a clusterfuck of anxiety – especially performance anxiety. So, let us remind you: THIS IS YOUR SEX LIFE. What do you want to experience? However you decide to approach your first time, there are a few tips that'll elevate pleasure and help you practice safe sex.

So, keep scrolling for my best tips for a bomb first time.

1. There will be awkward moments...

Before you dive into your first pleasure sesh it's important to know that two (or more) human bodies coming together is an act as old as time. But that doesn’t mean it’ll go perfectly. It may take time to learn what makes you and your partner feel good.

If all else fails, check out this guide on erogenous zones. If you have any moments where you don’t know what to do with your hands or don’t want to ruin the flow of your own or your partner’s intimacy, think of these as your default spots to fall back on.

2. (Informed) Consent is key

Enthusiastic consent, aka an excited "hell yeah," is essential when having sex. It's also important to prioritize STI testing for those who have already been sexually active.

3. Contraception

Depending on how you identify, there are a number of contraception options available to you. Condoms are the most common form of safety and are available everywhere from gas stations to major retailers if you're in a time crunch.

For those on birth control, remember that you still need a protective physical barrier for your genitals so condoms are still necessary. In cases of emergency, drugstores have emergency contraception – aka Plan B.

4. How to increase your confidence for sex

If you haven't masturbated before or have, but aren't sure what will get you in the mood, this is a great time to explore that. Try sex toys, dabble in dirty talk, watch new porn -- with your partner or solo -- and most importantly, allow yourself to tap your deepest desires. This will reveal what you like so you can actually feel confident when initiating sex and during sex, as well. For tips on how to find your G-Spot, read this.

5. Pleasure is the goal -- not orgasms

As I always say... "I know, I know... controversial." But, placing pressure on an orgasm can lead to an increase in performance anxiety. Which if we're being honest, society has already pressured you into feeling as a virgin. Instead, focus on the journey of sexual pleasure. How it feels when you're making out, when someone else gets you wet and what keeps you wet.

6. "The One" is overrated

On a basic human level… is this person respectful? Respect, kindness and generosity will tell you exactly how your first time will go. Inconsiderate lovers are the worst and it's a tale as old as time. Think of every movie or TV sex scene where the person practically uses the body of another to masturbate with, gets dressed immediately after their orgasm and dips. If this is okay with you, that's fine -- this is your sex life. But more often than not, it's a turn-off and will leave people feeling robbed of an authentic sex experience.

7. Tap body cues

Body language doesn’t stop in the bedroom. Don’t shy away from eye contact and don’t be afraid to feel primal. Sometimes the sex is so good your eyes will roll into the back of your head, you’ll push each other closer or away, all because it feels that great. Essentially, allow yourself to feel good – and let your partner know it, too. On the flip side, if you try something new like caressing their lower back during missionary and their breathing patterns quicken and they moan louder, this is a sign that they love added touch and you can incorporate this in other positions.

8. Aftercare

Safety doesn't end with a condom before sex and sex doesn't always end with orgasm. Aftercare refers to the care you provide each other with after pleasure. For a full guide, we have an Aftercare Checklist here but the gist is: pee after sex, place the condom underneath running water to ensure no accidental insemination, hydrate and communicate with your partner. And don't forget, sex isn't a performance. It's meant to make you feel good.

Love you, bae's!

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