Ask a (S)expert: “How Do You Know if You’re Only Being Used for Sex?”

Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae's first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.

Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡

"How do I assess whether a guy is interested in only sex with me or a genuine relationship?"

Hey bae! A clear sign is whether they care for you – even if they don’t benefit. For example, being intentional about the time you spend together. This can come in the form of planned dates and check-in calls. When they’re busy, this can look like a morning text with a heads-up that they’ll be less responsive. The bottom line is, anyone who cares about you and not just your ability to make them c-m, will be intentional.

A tell-tale sign that they’re only interested in sex is if they’re only calling you during booty call hours – aka past 9pm. Essentially, they’re putting the dynamic in a compartment marked "just for sex," and if they don’t need pleasure, you just won’t hear from them.

If you do hear from them, and they only want sex, the topic of conversation will always revert to something sexual – especially if you’re trying to have a deep conversation. Be aware if you realize he only wants sex and you try to discuss this, nine times out of ten he’ll try to deflect by bringing the topic of conversation back to... you guessed it.. sex. This also means that most compliments will have sexual undertones, too.

If you’ve already had sex with each other, a great sign is whether they pack up and head out immediately afterward. Usually, people who care about you will be intentional about aftercare. If you’re unfamiliar with aftercare, it’s that sweet period after sex where you pillow-talk, a glass of water or cuddle – bonus points if all three. This can look different for each couple, but the point is to literally care for eachother after sex. So, if they routinely skip this step, they probably only want an orgasm.

If you’re realizing you’ve caught yourself up in a situation that doesn’t meet your needs, check out our guide to ending a situationship.

A person who’s interested in dating you will be clear in their intentions with you – because they don’t want to risk losing you. On the flip side, a person who solely wants a sexual relationship isn’t a bad person either. Orgasms are essential, too. What’s important is that they’re clear in their intentions, communicate clearly and exhibit clear respect for you.

Best of luck, bae!

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