Ask a (S)expert: “I’ve Never Orgasmed During Sex With Men — Help”

Welcome to your new safe space and Hypebae's first-ever sex and dating column, Ask a (S)expert. This new weekly series is led by Haitian-Chinese and LA-based sexpert Gigi Fong, our in-house sex and dating editor.

Gigi is a former sex worker, boudoir artist and podcaster now hosting safe spaces for the Hypebae community. She specializes in all things sex-positive from unconventional dating to pleasure for lovers of all identities. To have your questions answered, visit our dropbox below and anonymously send your intimate inquiries ♡

"Never had an org*sm with my (male) partners I need helppp."

Hey bae! As much as I hate saying this -- not orgasming during heterosexual sex is so normal, there's a literal name for it: the gendered orgasm gap. According to research, when men and women have sex, women only orgasm 30% to 60% of the time, while men orgasm 70% to 100% of the time. So much so that our fav former porn performer -- and guest on Episode 5 of Servin' Sex -- Sage the Flame, has dedicated her entire porn career to eradicating the orgasm gap.

Unpacking the orgasm gap

So you're probably thinking: "Gigi, how TF does this help me?" Well, in all honesty, the gendered orgasm gap is caused by a lack of pleasure-oriented sex education. This means that men were literally never taught how to pleasure you -- or even what or where a clitoris is. Everything they know about pleasing a woman is from acquired experience and unfortunately, porn. So, guiding your partners will be the most important step.

Communication is key >

To help your male partners out, I'd opt for a f-ck ton of communication. I'm talking trips to the sex store with tons of anecdotes along the way and notes on what makes you c-m. For example, your body cues. Similar to our discussion on knowing if you're actually good at sex, body cues are essentially your partner(s) cheat code on how to please you. Like if you start breathing quicker, that could mean you're about to cum and this is not a good time to switch up the tempo. Make sure you're communicating these during sex.

A debrief after sex, also known as aftercare is essential, too. With heavy communication, you can incorporate affirmations and praise to encourage your partners to keep showing up in the way you'd like. This requires exploring masturbation and self-pleasure so you know how you like to be pleasured and can communicate it to future partners. If solo sex is no issue for you, and these issues are solely occurring during partnered sex with men then it might be time to invest in teaching your partner's a little sex education.

If communication hasn’t helped and you’ve attempted with quite a few partners, it might be worth exploring this with your doctor or sex therapist. Between stress, the status of the world and everything else that plays into our day-to-day, low libido is a possibility. If this resonates, explore our guide to low libido. There's also a chance that men just don't do it for you sexually and you may need to broaden your horizons.

Outercourse

If you're fed up, outercourse is a great method for getting your feet wet and not expecting an orgasm. This includes clitoral stimulation, fingering and frankly, any style of pleasure outside of penetrative sex with the hopes of leading to orgasm. This method removes the anxiety of having to achieve orgasm and instead offers a different style of connection.

Sex Toys

Sex toys are another foolproof method for spicing up sex -- if your partners are secure. Some men fear being replaced by sex toys so this may not work in your favor. But, if your partner(s) are intrigued, explore clitoral sex toys that can please you while your male partners penetrate you. Since half the battle with the orgasm gap is a lack of education on how to please the clitoris, this will fight half the battle. If they're intimidated by sex toys, here's a guide to navigating that f-ckery, too.

Best of luck, bae!

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